It is also one of the malignant narcissist’s most beloved withholding tactics. John Gottman, refusing to engage in healthy communication and frequently shutting down discussions – also known as stonewalling – is one of the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” or predictors of divorce. Its them.ģ) Withholding validation and discussion (stonewalling).Īccording to Dr. Please know, if you are experiencing these withholding behaviors with an abuser, the problem isnt you. In fact, these are exactly the words they will use to depict you as crazy and irrational for having the normal human desire to connect. Narcissists may even accuse you of fishing for compliments or attention when you question their strange behavior. In the context of an abusive relationship, withholding healthy praise and interest is used to strategically torment the victim and make the victim feel needy, obsessed, and desperate” as they attempt to understand what has changed. Meanwhile, they will sadistically give praise to someone else to further demean you – an act of triangulation meant to unsettle you into feeling undeserving and less than. They will fail to acknowledge what makes you happy, refuse to recognize events that are worthy of celebration, and withdraw from complimenting you altogether. They may engage in excessively praising you at the onset when they are love bombing you to get you to invest in them, but once they feel you’re “hooked,” they will begin withholding interest in your life entirely. Malignant narcissists do not like giving healthy praise to others, even when it is warranted – unless it caters to their agenda. Healthy relationships have some degree of capitalization – the expression of excitement for a partner’s accomplishments – which studies show contribute to the relational well-being of both partners as well as the quality of the relationship (Pagani, Parise, Donato, Gable, & Schoebi, 2019). Perhaps one of the most glaring red flags you’re dealing with a toxic predator is their inability to share in your joy or success, often due to their pathological envy or need to maintain control and an illusion of superiority. As Salman Akhtar, MD, notes,”The narcissist might deliberately overlook the partners appeal signals in order to sadistically withhold affection from them.” 2) Withholding healthy interest, praise or genuine compliments when warranted. When it comes to sex, affection also becomes a power play. During times of withholding affection, some narcissists will even physically distance themselves from you dramatically to get you to react.
These “hot and cold” behaviors, also known as intermittent reinforcement, are used to train you into gradually accepting the unacceptable cruelty they will inevitably dish out during devaluation periods. In fact, you may have even encountered a narcissist who began withholding affection right after being excessively attentive and warm.
Unlike normal, healthy partners who may have the occasional need for space or may not want affection during naturally occurring conflict or distress, narcissists withhold affection randomly and deliberately without reason (apart from the conflict and chaos they themselves manufacture out of thin air).
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